18
The Price For My Joy
2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore if
any man be in Christ, He is a new creature: Old things have passed away and
behold, all things have become new.
My name is Betty Santos, I am 37
years old. I thank the Almighty God for keeping me alive to tell you my true
life story.
I
was born in Georgeville Village in Belize, Central America. I am the fourth of
fourteen children from both parents. My mom was five months pregnant with me
when my father migrated to the United States. My mom, becoming a single parent with
four children and wanting a better life for us, decided to leave me along with
my other siblings in the care of our paternal grandparents.
Life
with my grandparents is a memorable experience, I often reminisce on those
glorious days. My grandfather despite having one hand, toiled hard on his farms
to provide for us, never one day did we go hungry. My grandmother on the other
hand would remain at home taking care of her multiple grandchildren, something
she enjoyed and loved doing. I was my grandmother’s prize and joy; I can recall
intense arguments among my grandmother and my aunts over me. My aunts would
say: “Remember Ma, Betty is not your
only grandchild”. I was a saint in the eyes of my grandmother “My Mama” as we used to call her.
My
Mama instilled moral value in me. I grew up in the Anglican faith. I cannot
recall her going to church, but attending church was her number one priority
for her grandchildren. Living in a small community where there was no
recreation especially for children; therefore, we looked forward for Sundays to
get out of the house. In our home there were set rules and guidelines
especially when it came to serving God. Every morning we had to repeat Psalm 23
“The Lord is my Shepherd” in My
Mama’s presence. I can recall at the tender age of five years repeating the
entire Psalm and getting a sweet as my reward.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in
the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.
My
grandmother loved me unconditionally; but even with all her love, on the inside
I was burning up with a sense of emptiness. It’s like a puzzle game, as you get
to the last piece and you realize you can’t find it; that was how I felt. I was living my life with a piece missing and
it was eating me alive every single day, but nobody knew. That missing piece
was my mother’s presence, love and affection. Finally, when I was about six
years old, my dream came true and I got the opportunity to spend the summer
vacation with my mom in Belize. However, my dream was short-lived. My mom had already had four additional
children and was a single parent again, and was therefore unable to give me the
love and attention I was so desperately seeking from her. I was disappointed
and felt lost, abandoned and confused. I
was happy to go back to my grandmother when summer ended.
Isaiah 49:15 Can a woman forget her
nursing child even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
As my grandparents grew older and feebler they
couldn’t care for me anymore, and at 10 years old, I was sent to live with my
mother. Instantly, my world came
crashing down and I began to miss my grandparents. My mother struggled to make ends meet and
provide for us. We later moved to Ladyville village in a shack that my sixteen
year old brother built. We lived in
poverty and constant discomfort. I recall our daily meals were the waste food
from the British Forces dumpsite we use to call “jungle”. The one bed room
house was too small for seven children; my bed was the floor, yes the floor. It
was hard and uneven I would wake up with aches and pains. Whenever it rained we
would get wet because the roof was not properly built. I struggled to fit in and felt as if I didn’t
belong. I felt that my mom did not show
me the love and affection she did the others, and I resented her for it. Every
day was getting harder for me to live with her, but I had a little ray of hope
that maybe one day the Lord would remember me, and bless me with the strength
to make it.
Psalm
106:4 Remember me, LORD, when you show favor to your people; come near and
rescue me.
My mom didn’t go to church and did not pressure us
to go, so I attended when I wanted to. I became active in Victory Assembly of
God church in Ladyville; I found solace in the church as it became a means for
me to escape the pain and be in the company of people who loved and cared for
me. I was a good girl who did all the right things and followed God to the best
of my ability. I believed in God but I did not really know Him, His nature, His
love or His power.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love
the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And
that is what we are!
I attended Ladyville Roman Catholic School; I sat the PSE exam and thankfully I passed.
I was feeling very happy and proud of my accomplishment and was anxious to give
my mom the good news but my heart was shattered into pieces when my mom told me
that she could not afford to send me to high school. I knew that this meant
that I would have to find a job. I
shouted out to God for help, I was so confused. I was determined to attend high
school and nothing would stop me. I spent time in deep prayer, and then set out
feeling armed by God in searched for a high school to attend. I can remember passing Pallotti high school
but I didn’t stop there. In my mind the school was too big and I figure the
fees would be high. I walked further down and found Nazarene High School; I
smiled, this was the school! It was smaller and I knew the fees would be
smaller too. With the assistance of a friend’s mother, who was there at the
time, I was instantly accepted. The principal’s only concern was if I would be
able to meet the fees. I can recall saying to him “GOD will provide”. And God did provide for me.
Proverbs
3:5-6 In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown
your efforts with success.
While
I was in fourth form, my mom left home and I had to take on the role of mother
to my siblings, even as I worked hard to do well in school. It was a time of
great struggle and suffering for me, I had numerous nightmares. I continued to
be successful in school despite of my hardship. I always envied the popular
kids in my class, and felt disconnected and different from them, I just
couldn’t fit in. Many days my lunch was my book, I would sit on the step at the
back of the school reading or studying because I didn’t have money to buy
lunch. I graduated the salutatorian of my class: “what an honor!” But I could not take pleasure in the magnitude of
my accomplishment because I had little hope in my heart about my future. My dreams went beyond high school and I felt
that my chances of further education were nil.
Immediately after graduation I got a job. Thanks to God, my life was
taking a turn and starting to look good.
Psalm
53:2
God looks down from heaven upon the children of men, To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.
God looks down from heaven upon the children of men, To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.
In 1990, I met the man who would become my husband
and thought that now I’ve found love. Everything was working according to my
plan, and I felt I no longer needed God’s help.
I quickly forgot that it was He who had brought me to this point. I gave
up church, and put my energies into arranging my future with my partner and new
home. But my happiness was just
temporary; it wasn’t long before I started to feel unloved by my husband. It seemed that life was all about his wants
and needs, and I unsuccessfully tried all I could to support him. We grew apart
within two years. We were existing but not living. Through all the lying and cheating, I still
loved him; my heart belonged to only him and I tried to withstand all the emotional
and mental pain I was experiencing. Eventually I couldn’t endure the silent
suffering anymore and I started to detest him, while at the same time
questioning my own self. I became afraid
to love, and isolated myself, even from friends. I just kept to myself and didn’t open my
heart to anyone. I lived a life filled with loneliness and tears.
Psalm
6:6-7 I am worn out with grief every night, my bed is damp, my pillow soaked
with tears, I can hardly see. My eyes are swollen from weeping…
In 1993 I decided that it was time to have a baby. I
wanted someone to call my own and love.
The relationship was still rocky, but I was prepared to be a single
parent if necessary. I was tired of
being alone. After two years of trying, God blessed me with a beautiful baby
girl, Shaniqua. She is my world, we are inseparable. This bundle of joy brought
unity, calm and peace in our home for only a short period. It wasn’t long
before my husband started on his destructive path again with his friends.
Around this time I started to hear the call of Jesus again, but I was too taken
up to devote time to him. I had so much to accomplish and my problems just
tumbled about me. I didn’t even have time to pray.
Colossians
4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer; be watchful and thankful.
Shortly
afterwards, my mom was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Due to complications
from the disease, her two feet were later amputated and she started to lose her
vision. She needed my assistance but I had an unforgiving heart towards her, I
could not forget my sufferings caused by her neglect, I really battled with the
bitterness I had held in my heart for so long. Never-the-less I had to care for
her. I opened my heart and home to her realizing that God had a plan for
bringing us together. I slowly started to see good things in my mom and grew to
admire the strength she displayed, despite her illness. My mom and I reconciled
with each other and she became my role model and my best friend. Finally, I was
her little girl and our love for each grew.
John 13:15 Jesus said, “I have set
you an example that
you should do as I have done for you”.
While
attending the University of Belize my mother became gravely ill and was
hospitalized for immediate surgery. My emotions were raging. I refused to think
that she would be anything but ok, especially since we were just starting to
bond and love each other. The surgery revealed that she had colon cancer. I
stayed at my mom’s side while she was in the hospital; she only wanted to see
me, her little daughter. Five days after her surgery, I left her bedside to get
some rest. During my absence my mom
passed. Her death took a toll on my life. I mourned her deeply and became angry
with God. How could he take my mom away from me?
Psalm 88:12 Is your love proclaimed
in the grave, your fidelity in the tomb?
Even
though I believe that she knew I loved her, I never got the opportunity to say,
“I love you” or to call her “mom” and now she is gone. I sunk into depression,
which affected even my precious little girl. I got gravely ill and had to be
flown to Merida. Tests revealed that I had had two aneurysms and immediate
brain surgery was necessary or I would eventually elapse into a coma and die.
It
was then that I turned to God; I prayed liked I had never prayed before. I
found myself in a corner with no way out! Now I find the time to pray.
Accompanying me was some family members who were Christians. Having them around me made a lot of
difference, we all prayed, laughed and cried together. I also had my quiet time
with God. He had been talking to me all along but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy to hear His call and surrender
to His plans.
I
was wheeled into surgery one day before the one-year anniversary of my mother’s
death. I could see the distraught look on the faces of my relatives, but I was
at peace, I was so relaxed going into surgery. The entire time I was praying, I
asked God to come into my life and forgive me of all my sins, cleanse my soul
and make me pure.
Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a pure
heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
I
said God; if I should die today I want to die with you in my heart. God please
take care of my only child and let your will be done.” Immediately I felt as if
my spirit left my body and place itself at the foot of an image of Jesus, which
was hanging on the wall. I can recall looking up on the image and begging God
for his mercy and forgiveness. I
literally saw the image of Jesus smiling reassuringly back at me. I knew at
that moment that I would be ok. In my
heart I heard Him telling me “I have you covered with my blood.”
According
to the doctors my chance of survival or a complete recovery was nil. I know that God breathe his own
breath back into me because he has a purpose for my life. My healing remains a
living testament of the miraculous works of Jesus Christ.
Romans 8:11 “ If the one who raised
Jesus from the dead dwells in you, the one who raised Jesus Christ from the
dead will give life to your mortal bodies also, through his spirit that dwells
in you”.
This
amazing experience helped me to realize that I needed to build a relationship
with God and change many things in my life; most importantly to seek
forgiveness and discover true love for God, myself and others. I was burden down with sorrows and pain,
wanting to face the world on my own. Now I am able to recognize when the Enemy
threatens and draw on God’s grace to keep me safe.
I then got an invitation to attend the St.
Martin’s Christ Renewed his parish retreat. I was hesitant at first to attend
the retreat; then I realized that God was speaking to my stubborn heart and I
had to obey.
Psalm 95:7 If
today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts.
Attending
the retreat has a lasting effect on my life. I am now able to replaced
bitterness, wrath and anger with kindness, tenderness and forgiveness. My faith
in God and my commitment to serving him has increase tremendously. This has
strengthened me to live a life of victory over temptations. I am now aware of
the presence of Christ and the filling of the Holy Spirit.
Psalm 40:2 “ the Lord lifted me out
of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on a rock and gave me
a firm place to stand.”
I am learning God’s word, which is a compass
to guide me through life. This time I
will allow Him to lead and will not try to do it on my own. God continues to
reveal wonders in my life. He has given
me new spiritual eyes as I was blessed with the gift of giving. Jesus is real for me, life is not about me
anymore it’s about serving God and serving others. Jesus instructed me to lay
down my life for the sheep if I want to be a good shepherd and I have to obey.
The relationship I have with Jesus led me to sharing with those with whom I
come in contact with. I live a happier and more harmonious life, free from
constant tension and strain and free from fear and anxiety because I know that
God is in control. I am aware of my true inner being and expanding, my
consciousness of God and Life. This enables me to handle emotions with honesty
and maturity.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the
plans I have for you declare the lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give hope and a future.”
My life is transformed; I am a new person in
Christ who strengthens me. When I look at people who have done me wrong, I now
find my bitterness and resentment heart being transformed into loving
compassion. In the darkness of my
earlier life, where everything was unknown, I had faced the power of sin on my
own but now I have Jesus Christ. My relationship with God helped me to speak
the truth, I don’t allow my emotions to lead to sin and I try to give more of
myself. He has healed my body and now I cannot help but testify that Jesus is
Lord and forever and ever He reigns.
